Snogging

 I’ve been awake since 2 am.  I now have almost finished a doily - a table runner - something that I’ve done several times in the past year or so and seems that it’s not quite as perfect as it is shown on the page of my crochet book.  Today I aim to make it more perfect or at least near perfect.  I can’t seem to be as perfect as I want to be.  I pray to my God and Allah to make me a good girl and yet I seem not to be as good as I want to  be.  In my last position I prayed all the time about being a good girl and yet I’d be confronted with some person or thing that would bring out the worst in me.  I’d lose my patience, I’d get mad, or upset, or just plain get pissed off.  Then I’d feel sad about it and get remorseful and think that I”d displeased my God and so I would go off feeling sad about it all.  Then i’d make up my mind that i’m not all good and might never be all or always good.  There are no perfect people who are humans in this world, I have found out.  People get to be tried all the time for whatever thing they have a problem about perhaps?  I suppose that it is a thing that the monster tells himself.  They’ll look for all the weakest points in a person and ‘push their buttons’ as somebody said to me. I do not like this sort of thing.  Relationships for one thing are so fragile because people get to know each other’s problem spots. Those buttons get revealed.  And then there will be a temptation to push those buttons and then the whole relationship falls apart in time.  It is that temptation that one has to watch out for.  Those who know us and are evil and jealous that we’ve got a person who we love and loves us back will come into our minds and start getting at us to do something about niggling at our SO or Husband or Lover and that makes it like a string that one pulls out of a sweater and then that sweater gets less than perfect where it once was whole and kept you warm.

So with relationships.  Finding the right one is good for you and keeps you both cosy in the face of all sorts of sad and difficult things - obstacles to being together, finding a place where you will both thrive, where you’ll both be happy with each other and with the place and the place being happy with you both being together and being in love.  There are places where you aren’t allowed to kiss in public, or even, heavens, have sex during the week.  In my town it’s so fucking Puritanistic that you can’t make love to each other except on a weekend.  Weekdays are forbidden to do this. It’s sick. Where does this happen anymore?  But it happens here, for some reason. How do I know this?  I know this is happened because it has happened to people I know.

That is possibly why I think moving out of this town is the best thing to do.  I do not know if any other city in this state has this ‘problem’.  If Indianapolis is something like this, then where else can one go?  Is NYC the only place to live that allows this sort of thing happening?  Is it because somehow in provincial places loving each other in the week is like perhaps some unlawful practice?  I’ll try not to talk about that P word.  But really, why can’t married people have loving in the evenings and midnight hours in the week? It’s sad.

I don’t think EU countries have this problem. The Puritans arrived here in the Mayflower or is that not true?  I read The Scarlet Letter twice.  The last time it was a few years ago for my writing class. So it looks as though this country was founded on Puritanical values.  It is not changed since then.  For the past two hundred odd years and since before when the Mayflower came to this country’s shores, the sex life of Americans has not been so very happy and the divorce rate has been consistently above 50 percent.

Married people I’ve known in the past do not try to go against this ‘unsaid law’ and they hardly do much more than do anything during the week, and, there are no gifts for Valentine’s day and so on.  It’s sad.  The thing is that we are held hostage to this unsaid law because if we commit this sinful thing they think is sinful then we are going to be sorry.  One of us or one of our kids will be sad and they’ll suffer.

I’m thinking of some people i know who had to go without anniversary presents and birthday presents just so their kids are given a pass each day.

It’s why I believe I will not have kids with my husband.  I do not have the ability to have them anyway because I’ve had early menopause.  But it’s quite a shock.  I am shocked by this kind of revelation and even now writing it down is somewhat of a problem.  Do I let this get published?  What will happen to me today if I get it out in the open?   Will the gods of this country punish me again?  I am saddened and feel as though this country needs some help.  Will someone help us?  What will it be like five years along or fifty or hundreds of years along?  Will this country never have the children it ought to have had?  Will it be ruled by fake people then?